“I Have No Friends.” Becoming a Better Listener Isn’t As Hard As You Think

Do you find co-workers and family members confide in others and you only have a shallow relationship with them? It might be because you are not a good listener and it is surprisingly easy to become better at this with a change in mind set. 

Here are some conversation killers you should avoid. 

The Desire to Top Every Experience 

“Oh, I had that happen to me and it was even worse...” When someone tells you about their day or the struggles they are going through, it can be good to share your experience, but sparingly. Hear them out and ask questions that clarify and make them feel heard first. 

Even if you have been through something harder, it makes the conversation about you and discounts what they are feeling. Hold back the urge to jump into what you have been through. This will encourage future interactions. 

Providing Unsolicited Solutions 

“Here’s what you need to do...” You may clearly see what needs to be done to fix the problem, but don’t start out with it. Once again, take some time to hear what they are saying and make sure you understand first. 

After discussing it, they will likely ask for advice. That is the time to suggest your solution. If you have taken time to really understand what is going on, you won’t waste your time giving advice that doesn’t fit the problem. 

Getting Defensive  

“Well, you aways...” If someone approaches you about resolving a conflict it is easy to get on the defensive. Even if it isn’t directed at you, the temptation is to respond with an attack. 

Keep your head in a mode of trying to understand first. You will often find that it isn’t an attack at all, and firing back creates the real problem. Even if they are out of line, as you discuss it, they will begin to see your side. 

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If you do any of these things, just know that it isn’t that hard to change. A lot of being a good listener is holding back your tongue and emotions until you have heard the other person out. It takes a little patience but brings amazing results.