Utah’s Funny Five-step Plan For Future Oxygen Decline

Oxygen Panic? Not in Utah, We’ve Got a Billion Years

A recent study funded in part by NASA made headlines claiming Earth will “run out of oxygen.” Sounds terrifying—until you read the fine print: it’s projected to happen a billion years from now. That’s right, long after any predicted end of times scenario.

Key Points to This Study

The study projects that Earth’s atmosphere will lose its oxygen-rich composition in about 1 billion years, due to changes in solar radiation and planetary chemistry. This is according to projections and if you still feel nervous recall how well we currently predict the weather. The study points the finger at several elements outside of our control, but you can bet there will be some pointing that finger back at us expecting some life change protocols.

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In that regard I suggest we take the first step. Here is a plan that I would like to propose for Utah's possible low oxygen future:

Phase 1: Altitude Training for All

Why wait for oxygen to disappear when you can just get used to less of it? All residents will be required to hike Mount Timpanogos twice a year to build lung capacity. Bonus points if you do it in flip-flops while carrying a Dutch oven.

Phase 2: More Hold Your Breath Pouting

Do you remember Agnes holding her breath until Gru fixes her unicorn in the movie "Despicable Me"? We will encourage more demands reinforced by breath holding. The more we do this the more able we will be to survive decreased oxygen.

Phase 3: Oxygen-Infused Swig Drinks

Local soda shops will begin offering “Oxy-Fizz”—a blend of Diet Coke, coconut syrup, and 12% pure oxygen. This will be a beverage proven to hydrate, caffeinate, and oxygenate in one gulp. Served with a biodegradable straw, and to be fair, a side of judgment.

Phase 4: Costco Run Protocol

In the event of oxygen depletion, residents will calmly proceed to their nearest bulk store, where Costco-style oxygen tanks will be available next to the seasonal aisle (between snowshoes and inflatable paddleboards). Membership required. Breath mints optional.

Phase 5: Mindful Breathing Workshops

Led by retired youth camp leader and yoga instructor named Sky, these workshops will teach Utahns how to “breathe with intention” and “inhale the spirit of the Wasatch.” Participants receive a complimentary sage bundle and a sticker that says, “I exhaled today.”

What do you think? What else would you add to this plan?